Shopping

So yesterday I went shopping to get some new cloths for a trip on the weekend.  All my others are getting to big.  So I used to wear a 5 or 6x in the plus size section or a 30-32.  I know now that I am a solid 28 or a 4x.  Sometimes even a 26.  I know that in my head.  But each time I went picked up something at the store to go into the fitting room I would pull the 4x but could not make myself go in without grabbing a 5x to "just in case".  Of course the 5's were to big and that felt great. But I wonder if I will ever get used to the idea of a smaller size.  By summer I hope to be a size or 2 smaller and that will be wonderful but also I think it will be hard , in a good way, to take just the smaller size into the fitting room.  This is not in anyway a complaint or a bad part of the weight loss.  Just a commentary on what happened yesterday.  It was kinda cool.

Crossing the line

Today I crossed a line.  A line I have not been across in a very long time. Probably over 10 years.  Today when I got on the scale I was 298.  I Know that sounds like (and is) a really high weight but for some one who just 8 months ago weighed 390 that is a big accomplishment.  I have lost like a 5 grader. So my next short term goal is to get 100 off.  That is only 8 lbs away now.  That is very exciting but I am going to take a little while to enjoy the victory of this accomplishment.

So after some research I have found that each lb of fat contains approximately 1 mile of blood vessels.  That means my heart has 92 less miles that it has to pump my blood through.  I found that your blood does a full trip through your body like every 5 minutes...that means that in a day my heart pumps my blood 26208 miles less in a day than in did 8 months ago.  I have really not been kind to my heart.  I hope that it will forgive me and keep on pumping for many years to come.

Fear of the Scale

So the last time I got weights I was 301.  That is very very close to a significant bench mark.  I get weighed on Tuesday.  I am waiting till Tuesday because I am going shopping that day for some new things and I want to know exactly what I weigh when I do and I am making myself only get weighed once a week.  The reason that I am doing that is because if I am not down each and every time I get weighed I get very discouraged and it usually throws the diet into a tailspin for a few days.  Sundays is usually my day but this week I am waiting till Tuesday for 2 reasons.  I really do want to know what I weigh when I get my new cloths but really I am terrified.  I am terrified that I am not going to be under that 300 mark and I am going to be really discouraged.I have been working really hard this last week but I am still afraid.  The scale does not always care about how hard you have been working.  But at the same time I really know I have been doing well so a part of me can't wait to get on the scale and not see a 3 in front on my weight for the first time in about 10 years.  Which makes me even more afraid because if I don't get there it could really send me into a tailspin because my hopes are so high.

 So where does this leave me.  I am not sure.  I guess I need to try to remember that no matter the number that all this work means that my body is getting healthier in other ways.  My lungs and heart are getting stronger.  My muscles are getting stronger.  My body systems are working more efficiently.  So I need to try to remember that it is not all for nothing if the numbers don't reflect the work every time I get on the scale. 

All that said... here's hoping for good things on the scale on Tuesday.

OK New Start

OK So I have had a really hard 2 weeks diet and healthy living wise.  I got sick (a cold) and everything seems to have gone out the window.  I am up 5 lbs  ( I am hopeing in part to my ladies stuff).  But tomorrow morning I am back on the wagon fully committed.  I have my charts all made up ( i love filling a chart with check marks), I have the house semi-clean.  I find it hard to start a new regime with my house untidy.  So here we go again.  I want to lose at least 20 lbs this month.  With the 5 I gained the last couple weeks that will get me to my 100 lbs off mark. That is my monthly goal.  I am all ready to start and I am motivated and feeling much better. The cold seems to have passed.

So I need to remember what this means and I need to remember that if I make a mistake I just get back on and keep going.  And remember  not to beat myself up over the little mistakes. 
Well here goes.. I will keep y'all updated on my progress.

All or Nothing

Through my many years of struggling with weight I have discovered something about myself that most people would not think true of a big woman.   I am a "closet perfectionist".  Nothing in my life is perfect.  But I have been trying to listen much better to my inner dialogue...the things that I say to myself.  I have realized that if everything can not be perfect I give up.

With the weight loss... if I make a mistake and eat something I shouldn't I throw my hands in the air and give up the whole thing instead of just letting it go and immediately getting back on track.  Or if my miss the exercise I have scheduled for myself I just give up.

I have noticed this attitude in my life in other areas as well.  Like my home.  If I cant have everything perfect all the time I give up on trying to keep in tidy.   

I find the attitude present in just life in general.  When I feel life if flowing on an even keel,  if one little ripple appears I lose all control of my emotions.

So how to I stop this attitude from destroying my life.  I am not really sure.  But I am going to start with lots of prayer and an attempt to be satisfied with my best.  I am going to allow myself to make mistakes and try to just pick up and move on.  Now that I am aware of my internal dialogue I think it will be easier... not easy, but easier... to continue on and allow myself not to be perfect without giving up completely.

New Things to Look Forward To

The whole process of losing weight is about things to look forward to.  Looking forward to being thin and all that goes with it. And To add to it all the things I am already looking forward to about losing the weight Bill and I are now going to be buying our first home in the next 2-3 months.  That is very exciting. So that adds so many more things to look forward to about losing the weight.  So here are some things that I am looking forward to about being healthy and thin.

1. I am looking forward to being able to wear the cloths I actually like instead of what I can find that fits. There are so few options in clothing for a woman of my size.  I only have one store really that sells clothing that fits me.  I am starting to get into sizes now that give me a few more options.  Just 1 more size and most of the plus size things at walmart will fit and 2 more sizes and any store that sells plus size clothing will fit. I am looking forward to just that...but ultimately I am looking forward to walking into a store and being able to buy regular sizes.  That day will some and when it does... I will be the crazy lady who is seemingly crying for no reason in the change room.

2.  I want to learn to ski.  I have always wanted to ski... but because of the pressure on the knees I have not been able to at my weight. Next winter I want to learn to ski.

3. I want to be able to work alongside Bill in our new House.  We are going to be doing lots of renos and I want to be able to have the strength and agility to be able to do my part.

4. I want to be able to do gardening in my new yard.  We planted a garden last year and I wanted so bad to be able to work in it.  But I was able to do very little because I could not bend over long enough to weed or plant.  I could only be on my knees for a very short time to do some work around the edges.  Harvesting was hard because you have to bend so much and I could not.  Bill ended up doing most of the work.  I want to be able to do the majority or it this year and to put new flower beds around our new home.

5. Having a baby.  They tell me that with PCOS, weight loss can trigger ovulation.  So that is the biggest thing I hope and look forward to about the weight loss.

There are so many other things that I look forward to about being healthy and thin, like fitting in a roller coaster, or not worrying if a seat belt in someone else's car is going to fit, but those 5 things are the ones on the forefront of my mind right now.  These are the things that I look forward to YES.. but  they are also the things that help to keep me motivated.  So on I go.  Working toward the goals that I have for myself.

Skinny Girl in a Big Girl's body

A Skinny Girl in a Big girls body.  That is how I have always felt.  A lot of people who are big and lose weight say that they still feel like that Fat person they used  to be.  I am a Fat person who has never been skinny but I don't feel like a fat person.

Let me explain.  I am a woman.  Plain and simple. Not a fat woman or a skinny woman.  Just a woman.  I have the same thoughts, feelings, and intelligence as any other woman.  I say this because even though most people may " Of course, I believe that"  most do not act as they say they believe.  There have been so many times in my life that people, even those who I have, and still consider close friends treat you differently.  Now I am not talking about being considerate of ones feeling like at a restaurant when you ask if I would rather sit at a table because I may not fit in the booth.  Those things are kind and not offensive to me at all.  It is not even the outright teasing that every fat girl fears, that hurts the most.

What hurts the most are the attitudes that most people don't even realize.  I as a woman feel all the same emotions, desires, hopes and dreams of any other woman.  Sometimes I feel that others, even those I love and who love me, sometimes forget that.  Sometimes I think people even feel that I don't have the right to feel those feeling, or have those desires.

For example, and you see this all the time, Men in general feel it is OK to say flirty things to a big girl, thinking he is doing her this big favor, when he has no real intentions.  He figures that she knows better than to think he could possibly be interested in her "in that way".  This happened to me more times than I can count in my younger years when I was searching for a mate.   Some even felt it was OK to touch a Big girl inappropriately, something they never would have considered doing to a thin girl, after all she could not possibly have the same feelings as another girl, A big girl has no right to  be offended.  I am glad that this stage of my life is over and that I found a Mate who does love me.

Women do it to.  They talk down to you.  Speak to you like a child.  I have seen people rephrase something that they just said to "help me understand".   My body may be slow, my mind is not.

I just want the world to know, I think clearly, I love my husband the same as any other woman, I want to be treated like a lady, I love to laugh, and do so at myself more than most, I have interests in things other than dieting and exercise.  I have hopes and dreams just like any other woman.

I can not wait to be healthy and thin so that I can be seen for who I really am without the filter of my "thick skin".

Just to be clear, I don't want people to be afraid of everything they say to me or another Big woman, just be aware of your attitude.  What are you really feeling about that Big person in your life, in the deepest part of you?

Motherhood

So this may seem like a strange title from a woman with no children.  But hear me out.... I think I may offer a unique perspective.  Motherhood is something that I probably think about more then most people.  When you ache to your core to be one and don't know if you will ever be one, you think about it a lot.  But that is a subject for another day.   Motherhood has been brought to my attention in so many ways in recent days and therefore has been on the forefront of my mind even more often then usual.

So, What is a mother?  I mean what does it really mean to be a mother.  Does simply giving birth make you a mother.  I know scientifically speaking you are.  But is that all it takes to make a person a mother.  I have recently heard of a mother who allowed her husband to abuse her daughter.  I know this sadly happens everyday but this time it was brought to my attention in a different way close to home.  Was she a mother?
Is not a mothers first priority to her children to protect them.

Then I think of a friend who is adopting a baby boy from a young woman who choose them to raise and love her baby.  She is giving him to a wonderful family to raise because she knows that it is something that she is not able to do.  She knows that it is best for that baby boy.  She will hand her baby boy to someone else and possibly never see him again.  Is she a mother?

An acquaintance had a baby boy this week at 21 weeks and held him for 2 hours before the Lord called him home.  Her heart aches for him but her arms are empty.  She will not raise him.  Is she a mother?

How about someone like me.  A woman who aches for a child in her soul and is possibly unable to have one.  I care for and love other peoples children on a  daily basis.  I love them, feed them, play with them ,cuddle them when they are sick, clean up after them, make sure my home and everything around them is safe for them.    Is she a mother?

I think being a mother is in the heart.  There is no question, I am sure in anyones mind that, a woman who has a baby she loved pass on, is a mother.  There is no real question there.  It just helps to make my point.  I do not think that  a woman has to have a child in her home to raise to be a mother, and many woman who do have children in their homes are certainly not mothers.  I think that a woman who hands her child to another to raise because she knows that it is best for that blessed child....She is a mother.  She loves that child enough to be selfless and allow that child to be raised where they are safe and loved.  The woman who aches for her child  she held only a short time, who will not be coming home with her... She of course is a mother, always and forever.

The mother who knowingly allowes her child to be harmed...In my mind and heart she...is not a mother. 

These are all typically easy opinions I think for people to accept but what about the woman like me who aches for a child so badly that it feels unbearable some days.  IS she a mother?  For years I would not even have posed the question.  Of course she is not a mother.  But recently I have realized that being a mother does not require one to have a child that calls you MOM.  I think being a mother comes form the heart.  I care for children in my home, I also love and try to connect with the children of my friends.  I care for them.  Worry about their safety and love them.

I never go to church on Mothers Day,  it is to hard.  I hate when they try to give me a flower or whatever they are giving to women that year.  It always just reminded me that I am not a mother and I would never take one.  I say all this to say, I don't know if you would call me a mother as one would think of a mother... but I, and others like me,  have the heart of a mother.  SO this year I will proudly take that flower knowing that if God never allows me to raise a child who will call me MOM, He still gave me the heart of a mother and I will use it in whatever way He calls me to.

Ok From the begining

So here I am ... Working hard to become literaly Half of myslef...  7 months ago I wanted to be less than half of myself.  This Blog may contain many things but my purpose for starting is to track and  express my thoughts and feelings on my  journey to loose a tremendous amount of weight.  I want to weigh 150 lbs.  and right now I weigh 305.

On my Birthday July 14th 2010, I stepped on the scales at 390 lbs.  The most I have ever weighed and way more than I ever thought I would.  So I started one final attempt to loose weight, a battle I have been fighting as long as I can remember, and have failed more times than I care to think about.  So slowly I began making small changes...things that could be changed without making to much of an impact on my day to day life.  I managed to drop 40 lbs by about mid november.  Then I got sick.. I got a fever that just would not go away.  I went to the doctor several times and was sent home told I had the flew and to wait it out.  Then after about 2 weeks of running a fever of about 102 or higher (sorry if you are squeemish), I had a bowl movement that was black.  So I went into the ER and within an hour I had had so much blood drawn I and surprised I had any left.   Soon after that the doctor came in witht hte results.  I blood levels were so messed up and the black in the stool was blood, ..  I was admitted to the hospital.  Long story short. I had a bleed in my esophogus,and was eventually told that if I had waited 2 or 3 more days to come into the Hospital... I would have bleed to death.    That is a scary thing to be told.  I spent 3 weeks in hospital before they were ableto do surgery to help the problem that caused the bleed in the first place.  That took place on the 22 of December.  I was released on the 23rd.  I was told that I had to loose 100 lbs from my admission weight in order to have a second surgery I will need to have down the road because it would be to dangerous to do it at my current weight. I was 350 at admission. 
I went home and weighed in at 313.  I was assigned a dietition.  She told me that with the fast lost die to a liquid diet it would be a few weeks before my weight started to move again.  She thought I would actually gain a bit.  Luckily that did not happen.  I have now been given the green light to exercise again and the weight has started to move again.  So here I am at 305 about the cross into the 200's a place I have not been in over 10 years.  I realise I  have to make bigger changes.  Ones that will affect my everyday life.  I no longer even want my daily life to be the same as it has been.  I have not been as happy as I want to be nor as healthy.  I have not been all the person I can be. I want to be physically half myself.  But twice the servant of God, wife, friend and hopefully one day mother than I have been able to be up till this point.

I feel better than I have in years.  I had been sick inside for years and had no idea.  I am down 85 lbs and no longer sick.    I can not wait to see how I feel in the coming months... and that is why I am here to be able to see how far I have come.  I want to look back and see the struggles and victories I have had.

I hope that this can encourage others who are struggling on this difficult journey of weightloss.  Wether you want to loose 30 lbs or 300 lbs.  I hope my musings that I write as a part of my journey can encourage you on your journey.
 So starting weight as of today...305. 
Half of myself 155 away. Here I go.