Your Beautiful When You are....

What is beauty.  I have recently been challenged to think about what my idea of beauty is.  I started to think of all the things that I see as far as physical beauty.  Long hair, smooth skin, thin, strong, stylish.   I thought back over all the people that I thought were beautiful in my life.  I realized that they did not always have all, or sometimes any, of these physical characteristics.  What was it that made them seem so beautiful to me.  I can think of 2 specific cases.
  One was a boy I had a crush on.  I thought he was so handsome.  He loved God, He was so good with children, he was kind and funny.  A few years later when the crush was over and I was able to look at him without rose coloured glasses, I realized that physically he was not a handsome boy really, but the wonderful things about his Godly character (which I eventually saw differently) is what had made him so handsome to me at the time.
  The second was a woman who one day I looked at a photograph of her that just really captured the essence of who she was to the core and I thought "Wow, she is so beautiful".  Something that I had not noticed before.  She is not the picture of traditional Hollywood beauty, but she really was and is gorgeous.  I realized that the photograph had really just captured her heart.  She is a sweet, kind, hilarious, patient, amazing Mom, who is truly seeking to grow in Christ and seek Him in everything. I could see every  ounce of that inner beauty shining through in that picture and I saw a truly beautiful woman both inside and out.  Her inner beauty had translated into outer beauty.
  There may be purely physical things that make a person beautiful, but, at least for me when Godly characteristics shine through a person can be absolutely gorgeous.
  So what does this all mean for me on my journey to be healthy and beautiful.  Well it means that while I will never be a picture of Hollywood beauty, I can radiate the beauty of our Lord to those around me; so as I am working on the outside of this body I must also work very hard and improving the inside as well.  I need to seek Christ, and become more like him each and every day.  I must draw near to Him so that I can see what I need to do to imitate Him more thoroughly in everything that I do.
In conclusion - Your Beautiful when you are Godly.

A selfish heart

So I have been trying to do some thinking about why I eat for comfort.  Trying to think back to the first time I ate to satiate my feelings instead of hunger and I honestly can not remember.  I have been  racking my brain for almost a week and can not pinpoint that at all.   But one thought has kept coming back to me.
Selfishness.
 No matter the reason it began, to continue is selfish.  I think I am a good wife and good mother, but I look at my husband and my children and think,  good is not good enough.  I want to be the Best wife and the best mother I can possibly be and I am not that right now.  I am not able to do all the things that would make my good marriage, amazing,  or all the things that I could do with or for my children that I could if I would make more selfless choices.  You always hear the experts say that you can only succeed when you are doing it for yourself first. Now don't get me wrong when I say what I am about to, I think you do need to care about yourself enough to change behaviours; but to say it is for you only or even first is a selfish mindset.  I truly believe that it was a selfish, self indulging, and even self pitying attitude that got me here in the first place in this area of my life.  I hope that those around me would not say that this mind set carries over into the other areas of my life, but it is clearly the ruling attitude in this part of my life.
 Going forward I am trying to remember my husband and children and the other people in my life, and pray for the strength only God can give to help me to remember to make the unselfish choice when it comes to my food choices.  I will fail, I am human, But with God's grace and perseverance I will make more and more selfless choices and become the wife my husband deserves, the mother my children deserve, and most of all the woman that God wants me to be so that I can serve Him in every way that he honors me by giving me the chance.

So here we go again.  I lost it. Or I guess gained it.  I am back to almost where I was before my surgery that saved my life.  But they say the only way to fail for sure is to stop trying.  So Here I go again.  I need to have an outlet and so even if no one reads this it is just a place for me to get it all out. I am also going to be not limiting myself to writing about my weight loss journey, but rather  about all the things that I am working on or thinking about.  It could be about My Lord, my love, My children, my Hobbies and most likely about homeschooling which we are going to be starting full tilt here in the fall with my DD starting Kindergarten.

So as far as My goals for the weight loss I will keep the updates on here as they come.  Right now I have a Shortish term goal.  Our family is heading to the maritimes  for 2 weeks at the end of summer and I would like to have at least 80 lbs gone.I have about 6 months.  I may make it and I may not ... but I will not let weather I do or not keep me from writing on here due to embarrassment.  Truth be told that I why I quit writing for so long.  So Here goes one more try.

I wrote some about our struggle with infertility way back in my brief blogging career before, and we continue to work on that, However, we are now the proud parents of 2 adopted children.  A girl  and a boy.  So I suspect they will be mentions a bit..:)  They are our dear loves and I can not imagine if God had not sent them to us.  If they are the only reason God chose  to make infertility a part of my life  I thank him for it.

Shopping

So yesterday I went shopping to get some new cloths for a trip on the weekend.  All my others are getting to big.  So I used to wear a 5 or 6x in the plus size section or a 30-32.  I know now that I am a solid 28 or a 4x.  Sometimes even a 26.  I know that in my head.  But each time I went picked up something at the store to go into the fitting room I would pull the 4x but could not make myself go in without grabbing a 5x to "just in case".  Of course the 5's were to big and that felt great. But I wonder if I will ever get used to the idea of a smaller size.  By summer I hope to be a size or 2 smaller and that will be wonderful but also I think it will be hard , in a good way, to take just the smaller size into the fitting room.  This is not in anyway a complaint or a bad part of the weight loss.  Just a commentary on what happened yesterday.  It was kinda cool.

Crossing the line

Today I crossed a line.  A line I have not been across in a very long time. Probably over 10 years.  Today when I got on the scale I was 298.  I Know that sounds like (and is) a really high weight but for some one who just 8 months ago weighed 390 that is a big accomplishment.  I have lost like a 5 grader. So my next short term goal is to get 100 off.  That is only 8 lbs away now.  That is very exciting but I am going to take a little while to enjoy the victory of this accomplishment.

So after some research I have found that each lb of fat contains approximately 1 mile of blood vessels.  That means my heart has 92 less miles that it has to pump my blood through.  I found that your blood does a full trip through your body like every 5 minutes...that means that in a day my heart pumps my blood 26208 miles less in a day than in did 8 months ago.  I have really not been kind to my heart.  I hope that it will forgive me and keep on pumping for many years to come.

Fear of the Scale

So the last time I got weights I was 301.  That is very very close to a significant bench mark.  I get weighed on Tuesday.  I am waiting till Tuesday because I am going shopping that day for some new things and I want to know exactly what I weigh when I do and I am making myself only get weighed once a week.  The reason that I am doing that is because if I am not down each and every time I get weighed I get very discouraged and it usually throws the diet into a tailspin for a few days.  Sundays is usually my day but this week I am waiting till Tuesday for 2 reasons.  I really do want to know what I weigh when I get my new cloths but really I am terrified.  I am terrified that I am not going to be under that 300 mark and I am going to be really discouraged.I have been working really hard this last week but I am still afraid.  The scale does not always care about how hard you have been working.  But at the same time I really know I have been doing well so a part of me can't wait to get on the scale and not see a 3 in front on my weight for the first time in about 10 years.  Which makes me even more afraid because if I don't get there it could really send me into a tailspin because my hopes are so high.

 So where does this leave me.  I am not sure.  I guess I need to try to remember that no matter the number that all this work means that my body is getting healthier in other ways.  My lungs and heart are getting stronger.  My muscles are getting stronger.  My body systems are working more efficiently.  So I need to try to remember that it is not all for nothing if the numbers don't reflect the work every time I get on the scale. 

All that said... here's hoping for good things on the scale on Tuesday.

OK New Start

OK So I have had a really hard 2 weeks diet and healthy living wise.  I got sick (a cold) and everything seems to have gone out the window.  I am up 5 lbs  ( I am hopeing in part to my ladies stuff).  But tomorrow morning I am back on the wagon fully committed.  I have my charts all made up ( i love filling a chart with check marks), I have the house semi-clean.  I find it hard to start a new regime with my house untidy.  So here we go again.  I want to lose at least 20 lbs this month.  With the 5 I gained the last couple weeks that will get me to my 100 lbs off mark. That is my monthly goal.  I am all ready to start and I am motivated and feeling much better. The cold seems to have passed.

So I need to remember what this means and I need to remember that if I make a mistake I just get back on and keep going.  And remember  not to beat myself up over the little mistakes. 
Well here goes.. I will keep y'all updated on my progress.