So here we go again.  I lost it. Or I guess gained it.  I am back to almost where I was before my surgery that saved my life.  But they say the only way to fail for sure is to stop trying.  So Here I go again.  I need to have an outlet and so even if no one reads this it is just a place for me to get it all out. I am also going to be not limiting myself to writing about my weight loss journey, but rather  about all the things that I am working on or thinking about.  It could be about My Lord, my love, My children, my Hobbies and most likely about homeschooling which we are going to be starting full tilt here in the fall with my DD starting Kindergarten.

So as far as My goals for the weight loss I will keep the updates on here as they come.  Right now I have a Shortish term goal.  Our family is heading to the maritimes  for 2 weeks at the end of summer and I would like to have at least 80 lbs gone.I have about 6 months.  I may make it and I may not ... but I will not let weather I do or not keep me from writing on here due to embarrassment.  Truth be told that I why I quit writing for so long.  So Here goes one more try.

I wrote some about our struggle with infertility way back in my brief blogging career before, and we continue to work on that, However, we are now the proud parents of 2 adopted children.  A girl  and a boy.  So I suspect they will be mentions a bit..:)  They are our dear loves and I can not imagine if God had not sent them to us.  If they are the only reason God chose  to make infertility a part of my life  I thank him for it.

Shopping

So yesterday I went shopping to get some new cloths for a trip on the weekend.  All my others are getting to big.  So I used to wear a 5 or 6x in the plus size section or a 30-32.  I know now that I am a solid 28 or a 4x.  Sometimes even a 26.  I know that in my head.  But each time I went picked up something at the store to go into the fitting room I would pull the 4x but could not make myself go in without grabbing a 5x to "just in case".  Of course the 5's were to big and that felt great. But I wonder if I will ever get used to the idea of a smaller size.  By summer I hope to be a size or 2 smaller and that will be wonderful but also I think it will be hard , in a good way, to take just the smaller size into the fitting room.  This is not in anyway a complaint or a bad part of the weight loss.  Just a commentary on what happened yesterday.  It was kinda cool.

Crossing the line

Today I crossed a line.  A line I have not been across in a very long time. Probably over 10 years.  Today when I got on the scale I was 298.  I Know that sounds like (and is) a really high weight but for some one who just 8 months ago weighed 390 that is a big accomplishment.  I have lost like a 5 grader. So my next short term goal is to get 100 off.  That is only 8 lbs away now.  That is very exciting but I am going to take a little while to enjoy the victory of this accomplishment.

So after some research I have found that each lb of fat contains approximately 1 mile of blood vessels.  That means my heart has 92 less miles that it has to pump my blood through.  I found that your blood does a full trip through your body like every 5 minutes...that means that in a day my heart pumps my blood 26208 miles less in a day than in did 8 months ago.  I have really not been kind to my heart.  I hope that it will forgive me and keep on pumping for many years to come.

Fear of the Scale

So the last time I got weights I was 301.  That is very very close to a significant bench mark.  I get weighed on Tuesday.  I am waiting till Tuesday because I am going shopping that day for some new things and I want to know exactly what I weigh when I do and I am making myself only get weighed once a week.  The reason that I am doing that is because if I am not down each and every time I get weighed I get very discouraged and it usually throws the diet into a tailspin for a few days.  Sundays is usually my day but this week I am waiting till Tuesday for 2 reasons.  I really do want to know what I weigh when I get my new cloths but really I am terrified.  I am terrified that I am not going to be under that 300 mark and I am going to be really discouraged.I have been working really hard this last week but I am still afraid.  The scale does not always care about how hard you have been working.  But at the same time I really know I have been doing well so a part of me can't wait to get on the scale and not see a 3 in front on my weight for the first time in about 10 years.  Which makes me even more afraid because if I don't get there it could really send me into a tailspin because my hopes are so high.

 So where does this leave me.  I am not sure.  I guess I need to try to remember that no matter the number that all this work means that my body is getting healthier in other ways.  My lungs and heart are getting stronger.  My muscles are getting stronger.  My body systems are working more efficiently.  So I need to try to remember that it is not all for nothing if the numbers don't reflect the work every time I get on the scale. 

All that said... here's hoping for good things on the scale on Tuesday.

OK New Start

OK So I have had a really hard 2 weeks diet and healthy living wise.  I got sick (a cold) and everything seems to have gone out the window.  I am up 5 lbs  ( I am hopeing in part to my ladies stuff).  But tomorrow morning I am back on the wagon fully committed.  I have my charts all made up ( i love filling a chart with check marks), I have the house semi-clean.  I find it hard to start a new regime with my house untidy.  So here we go again.  I want to lose at least 20 lbs this month.  With the 5 I gained the last couple weeks that will get me to my 100 lbs off mark. That is my monthly goal.  I am all ready to start and I am motivated and feeling much better. The cold seems to have passed.

So I need to remember what this means and I need to remember that if I make a mistake I just get back on and keep going.  And remember  not to beat myself up over the little mistakes. 
Well here goes.. I will keep y'all updated on my progress.

All or Nothing

Through my many years of struggling with weight I have discovered something about myself that most people would not think true of a big woman.   I am a "closet perfectionist".  Nothing in my life is perfect.  But I have been trying to listen much better to my inner dialogue...the things that I say to myself.  I have realized that if everything can not be perfect I give up.

With the weight loss... if I make a mistake and eat something I shouldn't I throw my hands in the air and give up the whole thing instead of just letting it go and immediately getting back on track.  Or if my miss the exercise I have scheduled for myself I just give up.

I have noticed this attitude in my life in other areas as well.  Like my home.  If I cant have everything perfect all the time I give up on trying to keep in tidy.   

I find the attitude present in just life in general.  When I feel life if flowing on an even keel,  if one little ripple appears I lose all control of my emotions.

So how to I stop this attitude from destroying my life.  I am not really sure.  But I am going to start with lots of prayer and an attempt to be satisfied with my best.  I am going to allow myself to make mistakes and try to just pick up and move on.  Now that I am aware of my internal dialogue I think it will be easier... not easy, but easier... to continue on and allow myself not to be perfect without giving up completely.

New Things to Look Forward To

The whole process of losing weight is about things to look forward to.  Looking forward to being thin and all that goes with it. And To add to it all the things I am already looking forward to about losing the weight Bill and I are now going to be buying our first home in the next 2-3 months.  That is very exciting. So that adds so many more things to look forward to about losing the weight.  So here are some things that I am looking forward to about being healthy and thin.

1. I am looking forward to being able to wear the cloths I actually like instead of what I can find that fits. There are so few options in clothing for a woman of my size.  I only have one store really that sells clothing that fits me.  I am starting to get into sizes now that give me a few more options.  Just 1 more size and most of the plus size things at walmart will fit and 2 more sizes and any store that sells plus size clothing will fit. I am looking forward to just that...but ultimately I am looking forward to walking into a store and being able to buy regular sizes.  That day will some and when it does... I will be the crazy lady who is seemingly crying for no reason in the change room.

2.  I want to learn to ski.  I have always wanted to ski... but because of the pressure on the knees I have not been able to at my weight. Next winter I want to learn to ski.

3. I want to be able to work alongside Bill in our new House.  We are going to be doing lots of renos and I want to be able to have the strength and agility to be able to do my part.

4. I want to be able to do gardening in my new yard.  We planted a garden last year and I wanted so bad to be able to work in it.  But I was able to do very little because I could not bend over long enough to weed or plant.  I could only be on my knees for a very short time to do some work around the edges.  Harvesting was hard because you have to bend so much and I could not.  Bill ended up doing most of the work.  I want to be able to do the majority or it this year and to put new flower beds around our new home.

5. Having a baby.  They tell me that with PCOS, weight loss can trigger ovulation.  So that is the biggest thing I hope and look forward to about the weight loss.

There are so many other things that I look forward to about being healthy and thin, like fitting in a roller coaster, or not worrying if a seat belt in someone else's car is going to fit, but those 5 things are the ones on the forefront of my mind right now.  These are the things that I look forward to YES.. but  they are also the things that help to keep me motivated.  So on I go.  Working toward the goals that I have for myself.